“My parents are going to be so mad at me,” stated my dear friend Trista. The antithesis of a troublemaker, Trista had earned countless awards recognizing her honesty and faithfulness throughout grade school. She sat on the other side of the lunch table from me holding her test. When I asked why her parents would be angry at her, she explained that she had earned a slightly less than perfect grade on her test, even though she had studied diligently. I was confused: why would her parents be furious if she tried her best? How could her parents not be pleased? I was unfamiliar with and intrigued by her parents’ response.

Throughout middle school and high school this trend continued, as some of my friends were constantly concerned about their grades falling short of their parents’ standards. Some parents even set up email alerts to be notified if their child scored lower than a ninety-three on an assignment. Although holding students accountable for their education and inspiring them to achieve high grades is well-intentioned, many parents seem to heap unnecessary stress upon their children. While some of my friends’ parents were obsessed with their children’s report cards, my parents understood that no individual is perfect and that often one is enlightened through learning from his or her mistakes. My family always inspired me to dedicate myself to complete my schoolwork to the best of my ability, but they accepted that I might not excel in all my projects, both in the classroom and outside of school. Comparing my friends’ parents to my own spurred me to consider the implications of varying parenting styles. To what extent should parents regulate their children’s lives? Where is the line dividing accommodating and supportive guardians from those who are overbearing and a hindrance to a child’s growing confidence? Overall, what is the most effective parenting style to nurture a child into a resilient and confident adult in the modern world?

With all these questions bouncing around, I conducted a survey to see how others view the diverse parenting styles. In a simplified sense, parenting is based on rules or the lack thereof. At one extreme, authoritarian parents reinforce strict and nonnegotiable rules, while permissive parents tend to ignore their rules and accept whatever their child desires. In the middle ground stands authoritative parents who explain their rules and listen to their child’s input.1 When asked what type of parenting style the participants think their parents utilized, the twenty-eight individuals, including fellow peers, family members, and friends ages 16-65, responded 7% authoritarian, 71% authoritative, and 22% permissive.2 In other words, most of the respondents’ parents had rules in place but were also flexible and willing to listen to their children’s concerns. The wide gap between authoritative parenting versus permissive and authoritarian options suggests that participants sensed their parents to be fair and just rather than overly stern or indifferent.

But how exactly does one objectively distinguish between these different types of parenting through research? Diana Baumrind, a University of California, Berkeley scientist, studied parenting styles.3 She gauged parents’ level of responsiveness (the degree to which they reacted to their children with care) as well as their level of demandingness (the degree to which they took steps to ensure their children behaved correctly).4 Through her research, she discovered that children raised by authoritative parents, who focus on a balance of rules and child input, tend to be confident adults.5 Furthermore, in psychologist David Myers’ textbook, he notes that “research indicates that children with highest self-esteem, self-reliance, and social competence usually have warm, concerned, authoritative parents.”6 Although parenting styles do not necessarily determine how a child may act when they are older, there is a significant correlation between parenting technique and outcome that can allow individuals to make predictions of how a child may behave as an adult.7

The strong connection between parents and their offspring impacts a child’s development from infancy. Research couple Harry and Margaret Harlow shed insight on the importance of body contact for young children through their attachment experiment on monkeys. The scientists manufactured distinct “mothers,” one which was a face with a soft blanket around the food feeder and another which was a feeder surrounded by wire. With the type of “mother” as the independent variable, the Harlow couple then observed how monkeys behaved in these two situations. The monkeys with a “secure base” of a cloth mother would look around their space and when they were scared they would return to their “mothers.”8 The monkeys needed to be close enough to their “mothers” to feel safe and empowered to look around the cage. In a similar sense, humans need a strong foundation of support or a “secure base” to lean back on when we need assistance.9 From this stronghold we can explore on our own, knowing that our support network is always there if we need them. This directly relates to psychologist Mary Ainsworth’s “strange experiment” in which she tested how children reacted when their parents left the room. Securely attached babies were comfortable continuing to play by themselves, while insecurely attached babies were very anxious.10 In other words, children who felt supported by their parents were confident enough to play by themselves when their parents were not in sight.

The results of the Harlow research on monkeys applies to humans. In the 1980s, when the number of children in Romania’s orphanages increased immensely, each child received less individual attention. These children, who had little adult attachment, “had lower intelligence scores and double the 20 percent rate of anxiety symptoms found in children assigned in family homes.”11 While these negative results are associated with a lack of parenting, they are also influenced by the child’s biological attributes.12 In other words, because of the interplay between nature and nurture in psychology, some children nurtured in a supportive home may have anxiety due to a biological predisposition, while orphans may overcome the unfortunate situation they were raised in and become confident and resilient adults.13

Once parents have ensured a “secure attachment” with their children, how can parents provide the building blocks of resilience without being overinvolved as their children grow?14 Research by psychologist Lev Vygotsky provides an answer: “a child’s zone of proximal development was the zone between what a child can and can’t do – it’s what a child can do with help.”15 For instance, think about teaching a child to learn how to ride a bike with no training wheels. A parent is present for support, keeping the child safe from falling, but eventually the child will transition to riding without assistance. The zone of proximal development is the window that allows the parents to do enable this development to occur.16 Just as the securely attached children in the strange experiment are comfortable playing in solitude children whose parents have provided them a foundation of support are able to accomplish goals such as riding a bike by themselves.

Opposing Lev Vygotsky’s stance are overinvolved parents who never want to let go of the bike. Parents encourage and teach their children how to live on their own and learn from their mistakes. Nonetheless, sometimes parents overstep their boundaries.17 There is no truer instance of this than today’s helicopter and snowplow parents. Helicopter parents control everything that their child does because they do not want their child to experience inconvenience.18 Snowplow parents go a step further, as the weekly newsletter of Xaverian Brother High School in Westwood, Massachusetts says, these parents “ensure their children’s success by plowing ahead, removing any obstacles in their child’s path.”19 But why do parents do this? In short, as mentioned in Parenting with Love & Logic: Teaching Children Responsibility, all parents are motivated by their love for their children.20 Parents genuinely believe they are helping their children by preventing them from making difficult decisions or encountering any obstacles at all.

Curious about learning more about these intense parenting styles, I asked in my survey if the participants presume that “snowplow” and “helicopter” parents are more prevalent in the world today than a century ago. Over 90% of the participants said yes.21 But does its contemporary popularity of snowplow and helicopter parenting deem these to be the most effective parenting styles is modern society? In a follow-up question in my survey, a unanimous vote asserted that these parenting styles do not raise self-confident and resilient adults.22 Psychology professor Ron Rapee also reckons helicopter and snowplow parenting to be less than ideal. Specifically, in a simple puzzle scenario between a mother and a child, his team concluded that the mother’s “overinvolvement increased the child’s vulnerability to anxiety by increasing the child’s perception of threat…and their avoidance threat.”23 These children cannot overcome obstacles on their own but are stuck in the comfort zones that their parents have built up around them. Snowplow and helicopter parents do not make use of the zone of proximal development and therefore they deprive their children of the opportunity to be resilient through making mistakes and overcoming obstacles by becoming too involved in their lives.

What about parent involvement with their child’s education? When asked if they affirm that the average parent today puts too much stress on their offspring regarding school or sports, a startling 86% of the participants in my survey said yes.24 Educational institutions agree with this result. For instance, in a newsletter for the week of March 22, 2019, Headmaster Brother Daniel Skala, C.F.X. and Principal Jacob A. Conca ’94, Ph.D of my brother’s high school, Xaverian Brothers, explained their stance against the prevalent helicopter and new snowplow parenting approaches. Xaverian Brothers High School encourages parents to be involved in their child’s life, but also to know when to let their child learn from his own blunders.25 In this respect, Xaverian Brothers High School’s administration agrees with Lev Vygotsky’s position that children grow when they are given a strong base and learn on their own. On the other hand, helicopter and snowplow parents oppose this view because they want to micromanage everything for their children.

In addition to education, parents also tend to overstep in athletics. The March 15, 2019 Xaverian weekly newsletter, released during spring sports tryouts, reminds families not to get overwhelmed about making a team.26 The article simply states that virtue and character is more important than athletics.27 Rather than focus on winning or losing, the school reminds parents to uplift their children and to utilize their children’s mistakes as learning opportunities.28 The school advises parents to discuss with their sons “the characteristics that make him the individual whom you love and appreciate. This will contribute to a healthy sense of self.”29 This article made me see a connection between the Xaverian philosophy and psychologist Abraham Maslow’s theory of the hierarchy of needs. Specifically, Maslow describes his hierarchical system as a ladder of necessities to better oneself in life. To reach transcendence, one must travel through the lower steps as of survival, belonging, and self-actualization urgencies.30 Here the school encourages parents to ensure that their sons sense of belonging is fulfilled at home, which is crucial to resilience. As children grow into teenagers, they are less connected with their parents and more focused on their friends.31 Students that tend to be confident are more likely to steer away from peer pressure.32 Just as Harlows’ monkeys were comfortable exploring their cage when they had their “mother” for support, teenagers tend to be more likely to stand up for their beliefs when they feel supported by their family.

In addition to parental support of their children’s athletic endeavors, this parent-child relationship is paralleled in the classroom. Concerning educational stress in today’s world, I asked in my survey: “Do your parents overwhelm you about getting amazing grades in school? And if yes, do you find this very stressful?”33 While slightly more than the majority said they did not feel overwhelmed, 36% said they felt overwhelmed and stressed and 11% said they felt overwhelmed but not stressed.34 The March 22, 2019 Xaverian article explains that an involved and well-intentioned parent “goes too far when a child is denied the opportunity to fail, stumble, and otherwise make mistakes.”35 One can only grow and gain experience and confidence from overcoming challenges with his or her own abilities.36 In fact, psychologist David Myers, in mentioning Holocaust survivors and sexually abused children, comments that “most children growing up under adversity … are resilient; they withstand trauma and become normal adults.”37 While these instances do not directly pertain to parenting, they do demonstrate that individuals can rise above brutal situations and persevere, developing resilience in the process.

But how does one teach resilience? Karen Petty, professor of early development and education, notes that parents can incite resilience in their children when they “accept children for who they are,” ensure to “develop responsibility” as well as “teach problem-solving.”38 These skills are also essential to the workplace, as Chip and Joanna Gaines, hosts of HGTV’s home renovation show Fixer Upper and owners of Magnolia renovation company explain. They overcome obstacles through core dedication, teaching their employees to be resilient.39 For instance, Chip Gaines asked Kristen, a rookie employee, to acquire a building permit but gave her no instructions. She had to figure it out for herself. And after some time, she did. Chip Gaines emphasizes that the extra time, money, and work that the construction crew had to invest in the project was worth it because now Kristen understood by learning from experience.40 Magnolia, as Chip Gaines says, is founded on a “culture that challenges and stretches our employees past what they think they can do straight into their ““discomfort zone.””41 Individuals only gain resilience by doing the work themselves, not by having a parent or an employer complete the task on their behalf.

Why do many different parents choose to raise their children with different styles? The 2015 Pew Research Society “Parenting in America” report provides insight about the implications of different disciplinary programs. For instance, slightly less than half white parents concluded that “a parent can never be too involved in a child’s education,” while just over two-thirds of black and Hispanic parents said the same.42 In addition to the cultural difference, there is a similar parallel between education levels: compared to individuals with little to no college education, parents who have earned a bachelor’s degree or higher are more likely to deduce that “too much involvement could have negative consequences.”43 In general, white college-educated parents are conscious of the positive impacts of giving children room to grow. Aside from schooling, parents use a wide variety of techniques when their children do not follow instructions, such as explaining why the action was wrong, giving timeouts, negatively reinforcing privileges, yelling, or even spanking. Spanking is used less in white and Hispanic homes compared to black homes. Furthermore, the more educated parents are the less likely they are to spank their children.44 Adults seem to govern their children differently because of their various culture backgrounds and educational histories.

Parenting methods also differ between generations and between cultures across the globe. For instance, while the Western world formerly emphasized conformity and duty, the prized virtues have shifted to sovereignty and free thinking. Parents raise their children differently depending on the social norms. Some children spend most of their time with their families, while others are nannied and attend boarding school. Some parents, particularly of the Western world, practice verbal skills with their children, while mothers in rural Africa tend to carry their youth on their backs all day.45 None of these customs are necessarily more correct than another—communities worldwide have simply evolved to parenting in diverse ways.

Based on economic income and culture, one set of parents may raise their children very differently compared to the neighbors across the street. Some guardians may push their children to outshine all their classmates in school and sports, while others simply want each child to achieve his or her personal fullest potential. Helicopter and snowplow parents, like all parents, want what is best for their children, but these intense parents push their involvement too far. With the recent college controversy of parents getting their children into prestigious educational institutions via illegal means, we question what else parents may justify to advance their children’s lives. Rather than stressing about their children’s grade point average, parents can be a supportive refuge from which their children can branch out and overcome obstacles with resilience.

Notes