Setting: Johnny Rockets restaurant, approx. 7:50 pm. The ladies are in the restroom discussing their plan of action while the boys do the same at their designated booth.
Amelia: But nothing Candi! He’s a pompous asshole! A total know-it-all! I mean, c’mon you can see he’s not my type. Listen, I know I committed to staying for the movie too, but I literally don’t think I can spend another ten minutes with this son of a gun without smacking him right across his smug little face!
Candace: Yes, Greyson can be a bit…uh…tricky at times, but I promise he really does like you! If you just give him a chance, you never know. He may surprise you.
Amelia glares at Candace.
Amelia: More like a misfire if you ask me.
Meanwhile back at the booth…
Greyson: Alright, but I’m not. (pokes Beck’s shoulder repeatedly) You feel that? Huh? Could a simulation do that?
Beck: I don’t know bro there’s some craaazzy stuff out there that the government’s creating, man… they can see us all the time dude!
Greyson: Good God, it’s like I can’t even talk to you sometimes.
Beck: Hey man, language is a construct. You know, sometimes you just gotta—
Greyson: As much as I enjoy discussing the trivial thoughts of your weed-infested mind, I’d really prefer to converse about Amelia. I don’t know what to say to her man, I’m running outta ammo.
Just then, the ladies return to the table and take a seat.
Beck: Uhhh…guns?
Candace and Amelia look befuddled. Greyson just buries his head in his hands. An uncomfortable silence falls over the table.
Greyson: (in an angry whisper to Beck) Are you outta your damn mind?!
Beck: (“whispering” back at a completely audible volume) Bro, I only said that cause you said something about, like, ammo man!
Amelia: What’s going on?
Greyson: Nuh-nothing! Beck just decided to go off half-cocked that’s all.
Beck: Bro, are you kidding me!
Greyson: What?!
Beck: You gotta be doing it intentionally now, man! Either that or your subconscious mind clearly has a desire to talk about guns!
Greyson: UGGGHH!
Candace: Umm I feel like that isn’t a goo —
Amelia: Let’s do it.
Candace, Greyson, & Beck: (in unison) HUH?
Amelia: Why not? Let’s um, bite the bullet and talk about it. It would certainly be the first interesting conversation of the night…
Beck: Hey dude check it out! Now she’s doing it too!
Greyson: Ouch.
Candace: (to Greyson) Sorry, she can be kind of a loose cannon sometimes.
Beck: Alright, that’s it! I gotta come up with one of these pun things too, man!
Greyson: Don’t hurt yourself, Beck.
Amelia: But seriously Greyson, what are your thoughts on gun control? I genuinely am itching to know.
Greyson: I mean personally, I don’t think gun control is the answer. The second amendment protects my right to bear arms. End of story. Yes, I know people have died due to gun violence and don’t get me wrong, that’s a tragedy. However, these tragedies are essentially anomalies and I wouldn’t say that’s worth sacrificing the constitution for.1
Amelia: But Grey, there are upwards of 38,000 gun deaths in America every year.2 That doesn’t sound like an anomaly to me. Besides, we’ve altered amendments before since that is, in essence, their purpose. How high does the death toll have to reach until you think a change should be made?
Beck: Ah-nom-olllieeee. Anomaly. Love the way that rolls of the tongue, man! I think that’s my word of the day.
Greyson: Yeaahh…okay Beck, good for you bud. But as I was saying Amelia, mass shootings are rarities when you look at them from a broader standpoint. Allow me to clarify: Looks like there were… (quickly pulls up Google on his phone) 250 mass shootings this past year. And there are about… (relentless scrolling and typing on his screen) 40.4 million gun owners in the US. That would give you (swiftly opens up calculator and punches in some numbers) less than a 0.0007% chance that one of America’s gun owners has been involved in a mass shooting this year.3
Candace: He is right. That’s statistically negligible.
Greyson: I mean yeah, that’s like lightning-strike level odds. And if you wanted to go even further and just examine the gun incidents of this year, (returns to his Google research) all 36,378 of ‘em, you’re still down to a (reopens the calculator app) 0.09% chance that any given gun owner would be involved in that. I’m tellin’ you Amelia, you can play these stats all you want but at the end of the day when you are looking at gun owners on the whole, mass shooters are without a doubt statistical anomalies.4
Amelia: Look, I totally see what you’re saying. I’m not gonna argue over solid recorded facts. But still, the numbers you’re throwing out are incredibly high! Just take a look at Australia’s gun laws. They had just one mass shooting in ‘96 where 35 people were killed, and boom! That was it, no more guns. Semi-automatic and self-loading weapons were banned, they introduced tougher requirements for purchasing guns, firearms now have to be registered and owners have to have a license.5 All it took was one time and they decided you can’t have guns anymore. I just don’t see why America refuses to do the same.
Beck: Nooooo way man! My great uncle Chester’s from Australia! That place is sick bro, check it out: he gave me this shark tooth necklace. Crikey mate!
They all stare blankly at Beck, bewildered by his stupidity.
Candace: I totally agree! The mental health aspect is incredibly important to take note of. It definitely isn’t helpful when an NRA spokeswoman refers to a mentally ill gunman as an “insane monster”7 who is “nuts” and “crazy”. Like, that’s just degrading. Or what about when our own president uses descriptors like “savage sicko.”8 Adjectives like that are demeaning and certainly are not addressing the issue of mental health in a positive way!
Greyson: While I do think the mental health facet is important, I can’t say that I believe gun control is the answer. It gives too much power to the government and could result in tyranny!9 What we need is education about gun safety in schools in order to prevent accidental gun deaths.10 Beyond that, I think there are some defense measures that should be called upon in schools. Let’s face it, they are definite targets and we should treat them as such, with stronger gatekeeping and, if need be, armed guards.11
Candace Wait, hold up a sec. Let’s go back to the threat of tyranny. What do you mean by that?
Beck: He’s talkin ‘bout those reallly big dinosaurs with the reallly short, stubby arms, man. If we don’t have guns to protect ourselves, tyranny-sourus rex could come back and kill us all and we would have absolutely zero means of defense! Bro… we’d be sooo doomed.
Greyson: Wow. I think I just lost brain cells listening to that.
Beck: Hey man look, I’m just sayin it could happen man. It’s crappy news to hear, but like don’t shoot the messenger, know what I’m sayin’ fam?
They all stare at Beck and watch his very slow realization occur.
Beck: (with eyes widening and a dopey smile) AYE! CHECK IT OUT BROSKI! I DID IT! I MADE A GUN PUN!
Candace politely claps. Amelia rolls her eyes. Greyson bangs his forehead on the table, repeatedly.
Greyson: That man’s a true intellectual genius.
Amelia smirks. This is the first time the whole evening that she appears to be enjoying herself. Grey takes note of this and smiles back, shyly.
Candace: Guys, it’s ten after. We should probably get going or we’ll miss the movie.
Amelia and Greyson lock eyes. They don’t seem to have any interest in ending the conversation just yet.
Greyson: Uhh…maybe we’ll catch up with you later? (to Amelia) There’s still much to discuss.
Amelia grins, happy to continue the debate. She gives a subtle nod to Candace, as if to say, “go on, I’ll be fine.”
Greyson: Now where were we…
Amelia: (playfully) Oh you know, talking about guns. The perfect first date conversation, don’t you think?
Greyson: For sure, I mean, if I can’t talk to you about one of the most heated, politically divided subjects on our first outing, how will I know if you’re truly “girlfriend material”?
Amelia laughs, loudly this time, and takes a sip of her milkshake, still giggling to herself. Greyson finds a smile plastered to his face yet again. The initial awkwardness of the night is rapidly melting away.
Greyson: Ah, that’s right. You know, it’s kinda interesting because the way I see it, the left actually has a much stronger argument for an armed populace than the right.
Amelia: How so?
Greyson: I mean, think about it: the LGTBQ+ community, the black community, and other minorities tend to support more liberal ideals but they’re also the ones who face the most hate crimes.12 I feel like they should be able to have a means of defense, and if that’s a gun, so be it.
Amelia I get the jist; a good guy with a gun can stop a bad guy with a gun.13 Is that the idea?
Greyson: Supposedly, yeah, in an ideal world.
Amelia (dripping with sarcasm) ‘Cause we definitely live in one of those.
Greyson: (snickers) Alright, touché, but do you see what I’m saying? I mean, that’s a very real argument. A lot of people believe that right-to-carry laws deter crime because there could be more armed people around to stop a shooter.14
Amelia: Well, you were Mr. Statistic Man earlier, whip out that phone and lemme know how often that scenario plays out.
Greyson: Hahaha, agree to disagree I suppose.
Amelia: Yeah, seems that way, doesn’t it?
The conversation continues for hours as Grey and Amelia cover every topic under the sun. From outlandish conspiracy theories to their favorite flavor of skittle, the two begin to open up and get to know each other on a level they thought they’d never reach. Soon enough, Candace and Beck return from their movie (which Beck gave a raving review of, “Ehh, it was eh,”) and they all headed back to their respective vehicles.
Greyson: Yeah. Me too.
Amelia smiles bashfully and begins closing the driver’s side door.
Amelia: Yes Grey?
Greyson: I know it’s kind of a shot in the dark, but would you maybe wanna go out again sometime?
1. Steve Bramucci, “If You Want Gun Control, You Need to Understand These Pro-Gun Arguments,” Uproxx, https://uproxx.com/news/arguments-against-gun-control/, August 22, 2018.
2. Kevin Loria, “Gun Control Really Works–Here’s the Science to Prove it,” Business Insider, August 27, 2018.
3. Steve Bramucci, “If You Want Gun Control, You Need to Understand These Pro-Gun Arguments.”
4. Ibid.
5. “Australian Gun Laws: One Nation Party ‘sought NRA money’ in US,” BBC News, March 26, 2019.
6. Jonathan Spiegler & Jacob Smith, “More Mental Health Care Alone Will Not Stop Gun Violence,” The Conversation, https://theconversation.com/more-mental-health-care-alone-will-not-stop-gun-violence-94201, June 19, 2018.
7. Patrick Ross, “Mental Health and Gun Violence,” Healthcare in America, https://healthcareinamerica.us/mental-health-and-gun-violence-607dbb564fb6, February 19, 2018.
8. Jen Christensen, “Trump’s Language on School Shooter’s Mental Health Could be Harmful, Experts Say,” CNN, February 22, 2018.
9. “Should More Gun Control Laws be Enacted?,” ProCon, https://gun-control.procon.org/.
10. Ibid.
11. The Editors, “Gun Control Isn’t the Answer,” National Review, February 16, 2018.
12. Grayson Quay, “The Left Has the Stronger Case for Gun Ownership,” The American Conservative, October 18, 2017.
13.Steve Bramucci, “If You Want Gun Control, You Need to Understand These Pro-Gun Arguments.”
14.Kevin Loria, “Gun Control Really Works–Here’s the Science to Prove it.”
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